Hanging on to the past.

This is going to be a non TTC post because clearly, I’m trying everything possible to keep myself busy so I don’t keep doing the pregnancy tests. I know it is too early but that is the only thing on my mind.

Anyways, since the beginning of this blog all I’ve done is talk about weightloss and TTC I thought I might steer it in a different direction and talk about myself a little. The reason for that is because for the last 2 weeks suddenly a LOT of people from my past have sprung back. I don’t even know what was happening. Each day one or two people who I haven’t spoken to in years have randomly started messaging me. Some of them knew me atleast 10-12 years back and its so funny because they can’t believe how much I’ve changed. I went from being the most naive, innocent little girl to now a strong woman who doesn’t take shit.

I don’t think anyone who knew me back then would have ever expected me to change the way I did. I think most of it comes from the fact that ever since I hit teenage I’ve been in trouble so many times whether or not I’ve done stuff that I had to grow up early. So much has happened. Like they say, life truly is a teacher. In my case it was crappy friendships that really forced me into understanding how the big and bad the world really is.

I’ve been really happy to get in touch with some of the people but the others have just sort of opened a can of worms for me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about all the things and for two days I spent time listening to sad songs, watching sad movies haha and this morning I’m stuck watching comedy shows by Kanan Gill and Kenny Sebastian to make me feel good.

I called a friend who has become close in the recent times and knows nothing about my past and started telling her everything that happened. Although, it was therapeutic to just talk about things it also means I spent a lot of time thinking about things constantly.

Do people really change? How many chances do you give a person before you put an end to things? I’m someone who forgets and forgives as soon as someone’s nice to me and I know I burn my hands doing that each time. I get so emotionally attached to people and am very protective of my people but I’m the one that gets treated like crap each time.

Like I said I am so strong in terms of how I deal with people now and situations. I vent here but its almost always about how hard TTC is. Everything else in life I am a hard nut to crack, but as soon as some of these people came back in life I feel like I’m back in college, trying to please and trying to just be a different me. It is like a battle in my head. Who I was versus who I am now. I want to say something back or act like I don’t care but I genuinely end up acting like a complete idiot :/

Anyways, this morning I disconnected a call from an old friend as a way to regain the lost power. I am trying to tell myself that this is just a phase. I dug out old graves and there’s just dirt in it and now it is time to fill the grave again and keep moving and never look back at what was lost. It really isn’t worth my time or worth the effort.

Some people are meant to come into your life just to screw things up and teach you that you are stronger than you think you are. So, this post is just a reminder and way to motivate myself to get back on track with things that matter to me and make this year count not just for me but be the backbone for my family. I am important and my family depends on me for support. I shouldn’t let something from my past make me feel like shit.

Here’s to continue being a badass and taking control.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s