Strange phase.

As soon as the second round of clomid started I wasn’t myself. The last two weeks have honestly got to be the worst weeks of my life. Emotionally and physically draining. Round 1 with 50 mg went by smoothly but with 100mg this time I just completely lost it. It felt like the whole world was against me. Like there was a hole in my heart, I wasn’t cared enough. All kinds of crazy thoughts. So much so that I thought I’d lose it completely. As soon as I was done with the medication life feels normal. Like nothing ever happened.

The husband has never been onboard the whole clomid idea and even though he still is doing whatever he can for me and is okay with it, I feel bad for putting him through so much.

The last three days have been good so far πŸ™‚ and I hope it stays the same. Still waiting on that ovulation and hoping everything works out well. I can’t help but dream of carrying a baby. I keep imagining myself pregnant. I know I’m going way ahead with this and might be disappointed if things don’t work but the only way I can find myself feeling positive is imagining how I would look and what all I would be doing to stay healthy πŸ™‚ I even have a name in mind. My husband thinks I’m overthinking this and will get hurt.

Yesterday was stressful though. Suddenly I had this feeling that this round might not work and started putting too much pressure on myself mentally. To top it off my mother has been watching a lot of astrologers on Tv and randomly suggesting things to an already depressed me and that didn’t go well. I finally had to put my foot down and let her know she needs to stop stressing me with all these remedies. I bet if she had a choice I’d be sitting in a temple right now instead of BD’ing. Don’t get me wrong. I believe in prayers. I practice all the right things but that’s something I do for my peace of mind and to help me get through this phase. With the million remedies and God’s she’s asking me to pray to, I would be spending the next few months just stressing myself out too much. She now has also let people know she’s stressed because of which every relative I’ve called for New Years has had a bunch of advices like “don’t eat rice”, or “I’ll take you to this new place that opened up when you come” or ” do this puja and it’ll all be fine”.

Luckily I was feeling positive for new years and wasn’t going to let people dampen that. I laughed it off and am still moving ahead.

Ps. This rant about my mother is to just get things off my chest. I love her dearly and she’s the best. I know she’s just concerned about me.

In other news, keeping fingers crossed and hoping the TTC gods hear my cry and help me ovulate.

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