Seems like I have forgotten how to post rants. There is so much happening and life sucks at this point but I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know what to write even though all I’ve done in this blog is use it as a diary and a way to vent and talk about things that frustrate me. This week I’ve just been overwhelmed. There is this feeling like I am obsessively trying to stop thinking about all things TTC and trying way too hard to keep busy by scrubbing away floors and bathrooms or even gardening like I’m a loser if I don’t do it. Did I tell you I have planted some bell pepper seeds in a few pots and even though its only been a few days, I see no growth and it feels as bad as my TTC journey haha see how I now relate everything to TTC. Like a plant not growing out of a seed is making me feel bad about myself The wait feels as long as the TTC journey.
I also suddenly feel and look old. I don’t know what is happening to my body. I feel like I have just been trying to hard. I am now reading more articles on grooming cause I sometimes walk into a mall and feel like I don’t look pretty enough to be surrounded by nice things.
It is just a phase and I know this too shall pass. I know that part of the physical and mental changes that I am undergoing are just the withdrawal from progesterone. Can’t wait for periods and to get my ultrasound.
talking about ultrasound my periods might start over the weekend and it’ll probably be day 4 by the time I go see the doc for ultrasound which means I’ll only get clomid on day 5 of my cycle. Some articles say you are supposed to have the medicine from day 3 and some say day 5. I’m not sure what will work. I thought I would distract my mind by listening to some nice podcasts but I ended up listening to one that talked about how clomid only works on one in 4 women that have no problems with periods and this just made me more upset yesterday.
I woke up with a very foul mood this morning and thought of every excuse in the book and then finally made my way to the yoga class. I feel tired, relaxed and really sleepy because I ended up overeating post yoga 😛 haha the class was great though. We did all kinds of twists and turns and I feel like I needed it just to find a way to relax. No amount of long baths, music or essential oils and breathing at home was helping.
In other news, my ovulation days fall around the same time as my relatives delivery dates and I might be at their house helping them. What do I do?