The one thing I have realized in my journey so far is that I was very dependent on people in the beginning. For 6 months, I completely shut off and then I thought the only way I could come out of this would be to talk. I wanted to share so I would feel less pain about miscarriage and pcos and our infertility journey but I chose the wrong people. Some of them even though they were close at the time either didn’t understand what I was going through or chose to move away because sometimes it’s hard to listen to a very happy person who’s made you laugh now complain about the little things in life.
This weekend I had a complete breakdown. I had a hard time processing my thoughts and all I felt was a sense of loneliness and that sometimes translates to acting like a very desperate human being. So desperate and pathetic that I act like a loser. I complain about everything, I start obsessing more than usual about the baby and find myself talking over and over about the same things. My husband has had enough and I can see it.
Yesterday I spoke to two old friends and at no point did I mention my issues. They still see me as the fun old friend ready to go out and party but as soon as I said I might not drink they said maybe I could come over and they could go out party, come back and we could all go for dinner. This was such a small thing but it added to my already sad mental state.
The only good thing though was that I had to go workout with my trainer. It was so intense that I got dizzy and sat down every now and then but it reminded me that I can’t take these chances and off days. I can’t let my feelings get such a strong hold on me and let myself go. That box of ice cream sometimes just isn’t worth it. The people that want to talk behind our backs just sometimes aren’t worth the time either.
There is no one who’s going to drag me out of the mess that I create for myself. I have to find a way out of that hole and only I can help myself get out of it every single time. I sometimes forget how strong I’ve been through this entire process and how when I break down it only means I’m losing time. This was 4 days where we could be TTC’ing away that I lost because I was so upset about not ovulating, or because others around me get pregnant super fast while I am struggling to even ovulate.
Life’s so unfair sometimes but there will be a silver lining and I know my mood getting worse is only going to delay this process.
Sending everyone who’s going through this process so much love and strength. Hoping you find the courage to keep going.