Yesterday I was a part of a conference call with 3 of my old friends. I don’t remember the last time we’ve spoken. We were in the same city, dealing with a lot of crazy stuff and I think we bonded over alcohol and being silly teenagers and young adults. Every day they would come to my apartment and call from downstairs, I’d make an excuse at home and head out, we would sit at the beach, have a few drinks. I can’t believe I went from being the life of the party to now a person who sulks every day.
One of the guys in the group is getting married and the idea is for all of us to meet up to celebrate but the problem is how do you explain to people that you no longer wish to be the same person? That the person in their memory isn’t even how I am right now. I don’t drink and I don’t party anymore. My time is spent around hospitals and reading blogs that talk about TTC, everything else is on a standstill. While they all seem to be sounding exactly the same and just a 15 minute conversation had me smiling for the rest of the evening thinking about all the crazy things we did, but it also kept me up at night making me feel like a really boring grown up I realized how much I had missed this conversation. How I could say anything and not have the pretend or act a certain way to please people.
I’m stuck in the middle right now looking at my past that isn’t there anymore and a present that I’m trying hard to screw up being obsessed about things.
Anyways, right now I’m sitting with a bag of chips and I’m not even a fan of chips. My whole body is sore from yesterdays workout and I feel really really tired today.