When everything just feels wrong.

This week my grandma has been in the hospital. If there is one person I wanted to have my baby for other than myself it would be my grandma. I wanted her to hold the first great grand child of the family. The baby of the only girl in the family. She is a strong woman. Has fought cancer and stroke and stayed on but this is all so sudden. SHe is also the only person in my family who has never spoken or pushed us to have a child unlike most Indian grandmothers. Her concerns are always different. Are we eating well, are we making use of our education, are we doing good for the world.

Yesterday we heard news that she is on the ventilator and I am numb. I don’t feel anything. I want her to stay. I am not talking to my family because I fear I’ll hear something bad. TTC journey has been hard enough on me. God, please don’t do this. Please 😦

 

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3 thoughts on “When everything just feels wrong.

  1. I am so sorry to hear your grandma isn’t doing so well. My grandma was in the hospital this time last year, and I was going through a miscarriage. At the same time my sister and cousin were both VERY pregnant, and my mom was being selfish and ignoring the whole family. I spent Mothers Day in the hospital with my grandma because my mother wasn’t speaking to anyone, except her mother-in-law. I am the oldest girl of 25 grandchildren. Similarly, my other grandma who helped raise me died in 2013. I was pregnant at her funeral. She died with no great grandchildren. I miscarried a month later. There is no pain like infertility, and NONE like trying to deal with family tragedies or struggles while also struggling with infertility. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone.

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    1. So sorry to hear that. I had read your previous messages as well about your sister being pregnant at that point. It is hard having someone in the family flaunt it while you are going through the worst time dealing with a loss.

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