Getting on Tablets.

The last time I got on Progesterone tablets I think I was a crazy person. The side effects made me someone I’m not. I don’t know if that made sense. Anyways, I believe I’ve written this in my previous post about going to see yet another doc. She’s prescribed the exact same thing I’ve been described every single time and asked me to get a lot of tests done. So, while everyone around me is sharing great news of having babies and hearing their first heart beat or just finding out the gender of the baby I’m here trying to get a period. HOW COOL! Not.

What is also not cool is how all this is repeating. We were just here two years back. The last one year I thought things were getting better. Apparently not. Ayurveda did wonders to my body. It helped me have my period with no side effects but the only thing it didn’t help me with was getting pregnant and that is the only thing in the world that I need right now. I keep thinking about all our options. May be I need to be seeing an RE and not a gynaec. May be this gynaec doesn’t know what they’re doing. May be I need to be seeing a new doc. May be I need to try this new herb that will help me or a different kind of workout. May be Yoga would be great? Instead of just finding one thing and sticking to it. The more time I spend reading on ways to fix my body the more remedies I find online and the more confused I am.

I have been active. I’m trying to lose weight. I’ve cut out sugar. I’m exercising. I’m taking my medicine. What else am I supposed to do. When a new doc sees you and immediately tells you that you should lose weight let me tell you it takes all the courage in your body to just be a good person and tell her that you are trying. Same with when someone who’s pregnant giggles and asks you if you are “planning”. I mean what the hell is planning. When you have something like PCOS the planning goes out the window. What do you plan around anyways? Your period that might happen or might just decide to go on a strike? Lets not even go the subject of ovulation. Also, Imagine this your friend who hates and I mean absolutely hates children just got off the pill and tried it ONCE. ONCEEEEE!!!!! and she got pregnant and now has a baby and is the happiest person in the world (by this I don’t mean to say you should have a baby to be happy. It is for people who can’t think about anything else but wanting a baby right now).

Ah, you must be wondering what has gotten into me today. its 9 am on a wonderful Monday. Just simple things like waking up to texts from three people with their “happy” news this morning and then I just didn’t get out of bed for the next half n hour. I don’t know I just want to crawl up in a ball. Be anti-social for a while. Its making it hard because when you have people pregnant in your family and you have no choice but to listen to things. It is hard. I want to be happy. I really do but every time I hear something nice or that someones making progress I can’t help but find faults with myself or find faults with people around me. I am hating on people just because they are pregnant right now and I’m not. It sounds very stupid. It is such a bad thing to do but I’m on hormone tablets. I’m bound to  be crazy you see? OH GOD!!!

I’m just tired. I want a kid right now 😦 I really do. Why isn’t this happening? How much longer do I wait. When people see me and see the kind of life I’m living Traveling and having fun. What they don’t realize is how much strength it takes to push myself to keep going. I find it easier to do that when I’m in a different city. Every time I’m back home I’m either living on the couch for days really struggling to get on the treadmill that is just 5 steps away from me or just feel the need to feed my body with junk. What I’m also unable to do right now is just be civil and respond back to people or be nice to family. I know they are all worried but I just can’t be nice and call back right now. I hate myself for doing this but I know I’ll be bawling my eyes out two minutes into the call. I have work to do. I have been so dependent on the husband for a while now I’ve forgotten how it is to just walk into a grocery store by myself. Oh and did I tell you how I’ve had wonderful panic attacks when I went shopping for myself?

I could go on about how hard my life is. I know a lot of people have it much worse. I just had to get it out of my system this morning. It is a big choice between the couch and the bright morning outside. I think I’m going to pick my couch, the laptop and a bag of chips. Ok bye! 😦

GOD. Are you listening?

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