Sometimes I wish I could do things different. I wish I could go back in time and change everything I did in the last two years. This post is for the ladies who are going through this. You know how you feel like the worlds ending. How you want to blame yourself for what just happened. Sometimes, it just isn’t in our hands but you punish yourself. Food becomes a friend. I didn’t know I was pregnant when I miscarried. I just had my period on time and when it didn’t stop is when we found out that I was infact carrying and it was an early miscarriage.
So why am I talking about this all of a sudden today?
I had to go see a gynaec and for some reason the last few days all I can think about is all the things I should have done during this period that I did not.
What I did:
- I ate. I started binge eating. I ate everything I loved. Donuts, large pizzas for days, sodas. Everything that you know is bad for you. I ate and no one stopped me. I was young and the only thing that was on my mind was I had to mistreat my body and food gave me comfort.
- I would lay on the couch sulking and watching shows to numb my mind.
- I didn’t want to talk to people and the few people I did talk to didn’t understand anything about this either they had perfectly normal pregnancies or they equally young and clueless about anything to do with pregnancy. I chose the wrong people to share my pain with at the time.
- I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t workout or take the effort to even pull myself together during this time.
- My body started changing. On one side there was change in my body due to the miscarriage and hormones and very quickly I gained over 2o pounds. My clothes stopped fitting which meant I started living in baggy old tshirts and this meant feeling worse. The more I felt bad about my body the more I chose to just ignore wha was going on in my head and eat.
- My husband and family were extremely supportive. The problem with me is that I’m very stubborn. If I’ve decided I’m going to eat then I will do it no matter what. They’ve found it very hard to deal with me especially with my mood swings.
- I felt so down that I reached a state where I didn’t feel good about myself anymore.
- I read all the articles of people talking about how life sucked after this which only made my condition worse and had me repeat all the things I’ve listed here over and over again.
What I should have done:
I know for a fact that I did everything possible to ruin my body in the last 2-3 years. What I should have done instead was take a break. Let my body heal but in a natural way. I should have taken help from someone who understood what I was going through. I should have fed my body with the right things. I should have spoken to a professional and understood what I could do during the time to help me take care of my body in such a way that we didn’t get to a stage of PCOS and irregular periods. I should have found a better way to process my emotions or spend time researching what I could do to get out of this.
Now what you can do differently? You can do everything I did or choose a completely different path for yourself. We all process things differently. I want you to take care of yourself though. I’m trying. I’m no expert in this field and I’m not even pregnant after this incident but these are things I wish someone had told me at the time. I wish someone had just pulled me out of this state of mental torture that I was putting myself through. It will hurt. It’ll always be something that you will remember and there is nothing at this stage that someone can say that will make you feel good but try. If there is one thing you change, do it. If you can talk to someone, talk about it. If you can push yourself to go out for a walk. Go for it. If you can have one less piece of junk food. Do it. Feed your body with healthy food as much as possible during this period. You need the good things. You need to let your body and mind heal from this.
Its taken me three years to realize that all I’ve been doing is wrong and I’m really trying to stay strong through this process of TTC now and opening up much more about this.