What’s worse?

What’s worse? Not being able to get pregnant or having someone really close to you get pregnant in the first try while you’ve been struggling with this for three years? I know I should be happy. I really do but I can’t help myself but bawl my eyes out after hearing this. As soon as I received a message saying she wanted to talk to me my heart started racing and for 15 minutes I just eagerly waited to get a response and then there it was the really happy and excited news for the family. While everyone in my family is now very very excited about this I probably am the only one crying. I don’t want anyone to know what I think or feel. I have been the strong one. Even after the miscarriage I don’t think I’ve discussed how I felt or what I’m going through with anyone at home. The husband knows the struggle. For the last three years, I’ve gone to countless doctors, tried countless medicines, sulked for days, worked out for days, tried so many different things and yet nothing. I don’t know why I feel so broken today. I don’t know if its cause how close we are and I genuinely just feel sad today. I know I should be the one organizing and celebrating this occasion but I just can’t. I immediately called an old friend who I haven’t spoken to in ages. As soon as I hit the dial and heard a hello I just knew it was a bad idea to talk but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know what else to do. For the next ten minutes I just heard my friend speak and console me while I just cried and cried. Even writing this feels funny. Its like one of those really emotional but not so emotional blog posts where people go “so what is the point of this” kinda thing. I don’t know. I started this blog as a diary. I don’t know what to do anymore. What do I Do? I just decided to stay on the couch and sulk today .I guess thats what I’m going to do for the rest of the day. Nothing I can do to change events but I can only pray that I get to feel the same happiness sometime.

I was really young when we got married and when we first had a conversation about kids I thought we could do it 2-3 years later. Little did I know I was already pregnant by then and even before I could find out I was pregnant I had already lost the baby. It was an early miscarriage and there was nothing we could do about it. The last three years have been about getting myself back, a lot of junk food and a spiraling down the lane of being upset and hating everything I slowly thought I was doing well and for two months when I was finally off medicines and had a normal period I thought everything was back to normal. that  I didn’t need anything anymore but now I just feel extremely upset. I don’t even know what to do anymore.

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3 thoughts on “What’s worse?

  1. I am newlywed so still don’t know the process and the pain of getting pregnant with pcos but I am suffering with pcos from past seven years and I had my ups and downs. There were days I switched doctors, was into depression but someone learning how to manage this myself in this situation. I maynot be able to feel your pain but I do understand its hard to see others conceiving within one try whereas you tried so much. I believe you just have a bad day, let time past and please take care of yourself. It’s good you sharing with blog as sometimes that’s our only source to vent and understand each other. xoxo

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    1. Thank you so much for just reaching out. Felt really good reading this first thing in the morning. I’m a lot better today after all the venting and brooding. It was just one of those days when everything feels really bad. I’ll get over this though but once again thank you.

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  2. Girl, my sister announced her pregnancy last year when I was right in the midst of a miscarriage, AND our grandmother was dying – and NO ONE in our family even knew I was pregnant. It was my sister’s second (very unplanned) pregnancy with yet another guy we will never meet, and I was 34, barren, and bleeding. THEN, we found out I needs surgery on my uterus and she scheduled her baby shower the day after my surgery (bitch). Believe me, I understand, and I think it’s fine you’re upset.

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