Perfectionist in me. 

I’ve gained weight. I’ve said it a hundred times here. For a week I had my parents here and it has been a very interesting week for me. My mum was one to always tell me to get fit. Not lose weight or anything. She’s always been behind me to get fit just cause of how many people are sick in my family. 

This time though something changed. She never spoke about it. She sensed something changed. Instead of telling me to go workout or cut back on all that sugar she said “you are beautiful. You just need to learn to love yourself. Look at yourself from my eyes. You are my daughter. The most precious in my life”. 

Why did she say this? I love photographs but I find them equally depressing. Mirrors can lie to you. You pose a little. Stick your tummy in a little. Choose the right angle and you can trick yourself into believing you are fine but a candid photograph. That will kill you. My dad took a picture of a coffee mug. I was in the background and he didn’t mean to have me in frame but I was there. My belly sticking out making me look 6 months pregnant. My unruly hair. My facial hair all right in the frame. While everyone’s admiring the coffee mugs design I can’t help focus only me. Same thing happened the next day the three of us posed for a picture. My parents were just so happy to finally be here, hugging me, standing with me for a picture and all I see in the picture is my thighs, my belly. Not their smiles and the happiness. Later that day my mum asked if she could upload that picture and as much as I hated it I knew how happy she was. I said okay. It took everything in me to say okay to that. It’s been a week since she uploaded it. No negative comments. Just a lot of people saying how happy they were to see us together in one place after so long, telling my parents how cute their daughter was and wishing us a happy life. I still only see my fat thighs and belly but I want to see what my husband sees in me or what my parents see. They find me beautiful. I want to find me beautiful too and so I let them upload pictures. No complains. For the first time, I didn’t force them to delete it as soon as it went on Facebook or Instagram. 

I think I may be a little proud of myself. That is not enough though. Post orange theory I did go off track since we couldn’t make it back for more classes but my plan is to have a healthy week ahead. I write this post my pizza binge but it is what it is right? You fall. You get up. No one can do this for you. 

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